Unhinged and hurting

*** TRIGGER WARNING ***

You probably won’t be surprised to know this, but my situation and mental state have worsened since my last update.  My dysphoria has taken over and I see no hope at all.  I’m facing the prospect of living alone again very soon, which is something I am not ready for yet and painfully unprepared. 
I have not been right since being harassed on OK Cupid last weekend.  To add to that, my dysphoria was worsened still by a former transgender follower on here who set me off and running into a transgender woman at the clinic I go to, which left me feeling like an ugly failure.  This is why I maintain that staying away from the transgender community is the best thing for my sanity.  I was also triggered from receiving my benefit card in my deadname, which had an absolutely awful photo of me on it.  I can’t help but feel that this is a sick joke.  

My presence here, my self hate and depresion is triggering my friend.  I told her yesterday that it would be for the best if I just left.  No one should have to deal with me, especially if they suffer from similar problems.  I am not much company anyway; I hardly talk and I cry a lot and lock myself in the bathroom. 

Suppressing the urge to self harm has caused massive stress.  I have no release; I can’t cut myself, drink or slam my ugly face against the wall, which is what my urges are telling me to do.  I can’t harm another human being, but I can punish this hideous body.  This pain is simply unreal and too much to take.  It doesn’t stop and I cannot stop these thoughts from tormenting me, even during sleep in the form of nightmares.

My huge, ugly nose is one of many physical flaws and one of the reasons why I want to put a veil over my face into I can give up:


I removed a load of ‘friends’ from Facebook, including a true friend.  I did this because she is dealing with her own shit, so I did not want her dealing with mine.  People won’t tell me directly that I’m a burden, but I know that I am.     Plan X would not be a selfish thing at all; it would be the most unselfish thing I’ve ever done and it may even help the greater good by raising awareness of the issues that torment me.

I am a relic, a stain on this earth and a net drain.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to make me comfortable in my own skin (never mind happy).  It is only going to get worse as I get older, uglier and evn less relevant,  I missed the boat a long time ago and at this point, I’m just sitting here waiting to find the courage to end this existence and move on to the next, or an eternity of nothingness.  Whatever you think of me or my life in general, please understand that this is not living.  This is notning but constant ‘invisible’ pain that few people even believe, never mind understand.

I just can’t do this anymore.  

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

9 thoughts on “Unhinged and hurting”

      1. I don’t think of it as a stage. Finding and surrounding myself with the “right” people is an ongoing thing. Toxic people find their way in, I have to root them out. It takes time and patience when starting from such a low point, I can’t imagine how painful it must be. Can only encourage and hope things improve for u

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      2. The thing with this blog is that it’s not a cry for help; and I gave up on the things you mentioned long ago. This blog is a winding down …putting stuff out there while I still can so people understand.

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      3. This is more of an explanation than anything else. So that when I’m gone, there won’t be any questions as to why I did it and no one I hold dear to my heart will ever blame themselves for any of it. I am past the point of no turning back. If you want to watch the oncoming train wreck, by all means stick around, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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      4. People like to watch wrecks, but like redemption even more. Sounds like you are past that, but I believe more people follow and are rooting for the latter than the former.

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