Seemingly never ending limbo 

It’s been a couple of days since I properly updated this thing.  Nothing much has changed and I’m stuck in limbo for now.   I now have the added pressure of having to find a place to live with no income.  I’m not sure how that will work.  I fear that at best, I’ll end up kn a dangerous area.  I am tired of being homeless though, dependent on friends and family and a heavy burden. 

I applied for loads of jobs on Thursday and Friday.  Most of them seemed to be through recruitment agencies, which are usually a waste of time.  Some people have advised me against searching for jobs and potentially returning to work due to my mental state, but I see it differently.  If I get a job, I earn my own money.  With that money I can find my own place in a safe area.  I can get a car and essentially buy myself the protection I need, without having to worry about being exposed to the elements of society that pose the greatest threat to me, as a transgender woman largely alone in the world. 

The biggest obstacle to working isn’t work itself, but the social aspect of work, that ruins me every time.  I’ve been reprimanded and fired for my non-existent social skills and conflicts with coworkers and I’ve had to quit jobs because I could no longer deal with it.  I’m seeing my therapist this week, so it’s an issue I need to raise.  And on the wider scale, I need to be able to socialize better, somehow.  I just feel like there’s a wall of ice between me and 95% of other people, or I assume they dislike me or even hate me.  It has been a problem all of my life; painfully not fitting in.  

The weather has cooled down a little here in WNY.  The last few days have been hell though, dealing with temperatures in the mid 90’s with no AC, plus the humidity made it feel hotter still.  My shitty hair does not do well in hot weather; because it’s so fine, it sticks to me and gets matted easily.  No thickening shampoo or conditioner seems to work. 

I went out yesterday with a male friend I’ve known for almost a year.  He took me to get some free secondhand clothes, then we went to a farmer’s market, where I bought lots of cheap fruit and vegetables.  He bought me coffe and we talked for ages.   I’m not usually comfortable with at all people, never mind men.  But he is one of the few people who managed to (quite easily) break down my protective wall of ice. 

I don’t have any plans today, except to cook the chicken that I marinaded yesterday and left overnight.  I have not been very active over the last few days because of my depression and anxiety, but as the weather has cooled, I may go out later for a walk/run (it’ll mostly be power walking). 

I really need to stay off social media, but I can’t, as it’s the only connection I have with the outside world.  I keep getting myself in situations where I fall victim to online bullying and harassment over being female, trans and a feminist.  I’m close to deleting my OK Cupid account again because I’m sick of time wasters just after casual sex and intrusive, triggering questions about my anatomy.  The Internet used to be a safe haven, but now it’s a minefield of hatred.  

Plan  X is still very much circling around on my head, but I am willing to wait a little longer to see if perhaps suitable housing can be found, along with a job.   I really don’t have a lot of of hope. 

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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