It all comes crashing down…

I’m going through a very bad spell at the moment, so if depressive writings bother you, I suggest that you read no further.  My friend and her roommate have gone out for a few hours and the tears have subsided enough for me to try to gather my thoughts for a few minutes to write this.

There are so many things wrong at the moment that I don’t even know where to begin.  When I try to look to the future, hopelessness and despair kick in.  I do not see myself ever getting out of the rut that I’m in, because I’m not strong enough to endure much more of this.  I find myself wishing that I could’ve kept this transgender curse inside me forever and had tried harder to bury it.  It has brought me nothing but pain and frustration.  I have traded the prison of living as a cisgender male for the prison of living as a transgender female.  I’m a woman, but this ‘transgender’ thing is not the life that I want.

I feel an immense amount of guilt and sadness over what I’ve lost because of this transition.  I had a partner that loved me (at one point) and wanted to build a future with me, along with the new life she’d given me by bringing me over to America from the UK, where I was very close to committing suicide.  Despite our problems, she stood by me and never cheated.  Instead of being grateful for those things and for the love that she gave me and the chance that she’d given me to be something, I pissed it all away by drinking myself to sleep every night and avoiding her, which was the demise of the relationship.

I can’t even find the words to describe the pain that this has left me with.  The guilt, shame, regret, embarrassment, self loathing, sadness and having to stare into a void so massive that I wish it would just hurry up and swallow me whole.  I want to get better, but I know that I can’t get better.  I know that in order to live, I have to live in denial of the fact that I am nothing but a walking collection of flaws; a freak and a loser.  I have few friends and even the friends that I have are most likely creeped out by me.  I know I’ll never experience love again, as I am still in love with someone that I lost.  None of you can replace her; not that level of connection that set my heart racing the first time I set my eyes on her.  That was a one time thing and I blew it, because I am selfish and deceitful.  Maybe if I’d been honest with her about this curse, she could have helped me fight it, or maybe the foundations of our relationship would’ve been strong enough to sail us both through it.

Just as I told my psychiatrist on Monday, I am only alive because I am too much of a coward to commit suicide, due to fear of pain or failure.  If someone offered me a pill that would put me to sleep, I would take it right now, without hesitation.  I really do want to die; I’ve always wanted to die.

I wish I could’ve been what you needed me to be and I am sorry to everyone for the pain and trouble that I have caused.  I’m sorry that my ugliness and awkwardness creeps you out.  I know I am disgusting to look at. 

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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