Into the hornet’s nest 

I can’t sleep; it’s almost time for me to get up.  There’s no point in trying to sleep now anyway.  Today I have to go to DHS for food stamps and cash assistance until I can find suitable work.  I am absolutely dreading it.

I’m dreading it because all my records here are still in my deadname (male birrh name), so I have to go through similar embarrassment and humiliation that I went through with US Customs and Border Protection at JFK Airport 10 days ago.  Also (and perhaps even more worryingly) I will be standing in line and waiting in a room for a long time with dozens of people who are “threats”, just like the individual that harassed and humiliated me at Rochester Transit Center last week (Harassed Again).  Someone from Care Management is picking me up at 7:30am and will come with me to advocate, but it still won’t stop people from making my life a living hell.  I’m not sure how much more abuse or humiliation I can take and if it happens again, I know that it will destroy me.  

Please don’t tell me that I can somehow “control” how transphobic hatred affects me.  Maybe if I were more stable otherwise, I would be able to minimize the damage, but right now I am vulnerable.  I am walking into what is essentially a hornet’s nest.  The only thing that would scare me more would be being dumped in a school playground, where I’d be laughed at and heckled.  I am not well enough for this and I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to get help, being as I had to leave here last January after my friend and I were made homeless.

Speaking of tranphobia, I witnessed another transgender person get verbally attacked yesterday,  at Care Management of all places.   A man lost it and was ranting on about freedom and this being a “free country”, then referred to the transgender woman who was sitting at the other end of the waiting room as a “he-she”.  He didn’t notice me, but I got right up and moved as he sat by us, still ranting.  Fortunately, they escorted him out, but the damage had already been done.  Apparently the other people waitimg in that area also engaged in transphobic insults against the same transwoman, who did not help her cause by being confrontational and aggressive.  They ended up asking her to leave too.  But this does not bode well for my DHS appointment, as there is clearly a huge problem with transphobia.

I think the world of my friend (the one I’m staying with) and I feel bad for even writing this, but she triggered me badly yesterday and I am still feeling very down and upset over what happened.  There are things about me that I keep guarded; my age and birthday being one of the major ones, along with my deadname.

List of Triggers

My age is a trigger because of all the years that I lost from being forced by society to live as a male.  No one likes to get older, but for me, it cuts far deeper than that.  My friend had somehow found out my true year of birth because I fucked up and asked her if she could collect my prescription on Monday, but she kept going on about it and I got very upset yesterday.  I’m honestly not sure what to do now, but I need to find somewhere else to stay, as soon as possible.  Why can’t I keep certain aspects of my identity private?  It is none of anyone else’s business and this now complicates issues even more.  

I just want to get as far away from people and society as I can.  If I’m too much of a coward (for now) to try to kill myself again, maybe the next best thing is to find a way of making a living while living as a hermit, completely offf the grid.  I will cut everyone out, even the few friends and family that I have left. I will cut myself off from social media and the internet, television and radio.  I’ve realized that I can’t be around people; people are triggers and people hurt me badly, even if their intentions are to try to help me.   This is a curse, just like being transgender is a curse. 

In a way, I hope I get triggered enough at today’s hornet’s nest to push me to end this pain forever.  I do not want to exist and no amount of pills or therapy will change that.  I hate myself and my ugly appearance more than any of my tormentors combined.  I’m tired of my privacy being repeatedly violated by the system and by people. 

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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