I repel people (subhuman stain) 

People generally scare me, but I must scare them too.  I don’t know what it is about me exactly, but I have come to the very solid conclusion that I repel people; even people who have similar problems.  

I’m not sure whether it’s my ugliness, social awkwardness, depression, my gender idendity or lack of any meaningful interests or personality.  It could also be a combination of all of those things. I even repel people who are also socially awkward and “different” in some way.

Along with many aspects of my life, I am tired of it.  I know that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life and aside from suicide, the only other way out is to cut myself off from people and society completely, including online friends and the 3 people in my family I still talk to.  Maybe if I cut myself off, I won’t have to worry about these issues anymore.  It’s not something I can change and I’m tired of being hated or just plain disliked or in the way. 

Popular belief is that I misread situations and that I’m just imagining that people dislike me, but I do not think that’s the case.  My gut instincts are usually proven to be correct.  People just plain hate or dislike me for things I can’t change.  I’m sure there are occasions where I misread situations, but when I’ve been told how ugly I am and how much of a burden I am, then it’s surely understandable.  

I hate myself.  I do not want to exist.  I am an ugly, worthless freak of nature and everyone would be better off if I ended it.  I am a subhuman stain; even bacteria are more important than I am. 


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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