Day 4 of the increased Mirtazipine dosage and I’ve had awful nightmares. It’s nearly 2am and I’m wide awake after experiencing another intense one, which has left me shaken and in tears.
In this nightmare, I was back in one of the houses we lived in before, in the West Midlands. I had come back and the place was a tip. One of my brothers was in his room, possessed by some sort of demon, but my mum and stepdad insisted he was just mentally ill and blamed me for it. I went upstairs and tried to reason with him. The house was falling into disrepair and his room had literally been turned upside down. He told me to call the hospital and have him taken away, or he would kill me and banish my soul to hell. I nervously tried to clean up, but he kept causing so much disruption and destruction that I couldn’t. I went to the corner and just started crying, then screaming at the top of my lungs, only no sound came out. That’s when I woke up.
I need to get back on Prazosin when I get back to America and see the psychiatrist. It’s not an FDA approved drug, but it reduced my nightmares and flashbacks significantly. I think Mirtazapine alone is making it worse and is doing nothing for my depression or anxiety.
My mom wants to go to Lincoln later today (as it’s already Tuesday) on the bus. I want to go, but I voiced my concerned earlier about the risk of running into kids and teenagers on the bus (one of the main reasons why I don’t use buse/s). I explained to her that last time I was inadvertently shoved into a situation where I was made to catch a bus when the schools were getting out, I had a full blown panic attack. So it’s no joke and not something I can control, but she probably thinks I can control it, but don’t want to. So needless to say, I am looking forward to going to Lincoln, but the prospect of goimg by bus and being stuck on a bus for an hour and a half is making me very anxious already.
I feel dreadful and my chest is right, as if I survived a real life major scare. It’s at times like this when I wish I had a partner who could at least hold me for a while, until this passes.