Fifty shades of “fucked” – bad news

I’ve had some very bad news from the Gender Identity Clinic through the PALS service.  They are unlikely to take my referral from February 2015 into account as they never received it (we knew this, but this is what I’ve been fighting them over for the last 3 months).  

This is the email I just received, contact information and names omitted:

Although there’s a chance they might take the time and sheer hell I’ve already been through into account, as per the email, it’s “unlikely” based on what they’ve said to PALS.  So I am going to take this as a “no, get to the back of the queue” and a devastating blow.  I replied “I am lost for words and devastated. Thank you for trying.”.

I cannot wait another year.  Bear in mind this is just for an “assessment” for gender reassignment surgery.  I would have to jump through hoops and wait years before I’d even go under the knife.  Rather than take into account that I’ve been living full time for over 2 years and on hormone treatment for almost 3 years, they’d treat me the same as someone who was pre-treatment and just starting out.  It would be dehumanizing, at best. 

And all this because my GP at the time sent my fucking original referral here (the wrong place!), then assured me several times I was in the queue:

This also means no help with my voice in sight, no laser treatment to get rid of the rest of this disgusting and embarrassing facial hair.  This means that I have no chance of getting any kind of transgender-specific therapy for well over a year, leaving me at the mercy of “community care” blunders.  Even if I were fortunate enough to get one-on-one therapy, it’s unlikely I’ll find a therapist who has any clue at dealing with transgender people or gender dysphoria, as severe as mine is.  Conventional therapy has done more harm than good, because most of the mental health profession has no clue how to deal with transgender people. 

This is a such a blow that it now leaves me with two choices: suciide or going back to America, where I will be forced to be legally male.   And even if I could digest that idea (which I can’t unless I’ve had an awful lot to drink), there would be no guarantees of anything there either and I will still hate myself. 

Feel free to hate me.   Tell me to “snap out of it”, “suck it up” or “pay for your own transition”.   I’ve heard it all before.  There’s nothing left for you to damage; I’m already dead.  I forgive you for hating me, because I can guarantee you that I hate myself more. 

So as it’s looking like it’s going to be a resounding “goodbye” soon, I hope you’ve all enjoyed watching the final part of this train wreck unfold.   I hope that I’ve made a sufficient number of people aware of my plight in order to possibly use my suicide to help enact change for the future so that others will not have to go through what I went through.  My life has been nothing short of a curse for as long as I can remember.  I’ve never been happy and at this stage, it isn’t going to happen. 


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

6 thoughts on “Fifty shades of “fucked” – bad news”

  1. Becca, You should try speaking with a legal expert. You might have a case for medical negligence or something like that. I would definitely advise speaking to someone from the Citizens Advice Bureau and seeing what aid, if any they can provide, and it might be worth seeking out a specialised medical malpractice lawyer, like one of those they advertise on TV sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have done just now. I have contacted 4 malpractice lawyers online. I can’t make phone calls because of my anxiety but I explained this to them. I don’t want money – I just want to have a life and I’m sick of suffering through a doctor putting a wrong address on a letter. Otherwise I am giving up (life) and not joking.


  2. Sorry to hear this 😦 Have you gotten another referral sent through? I don’t know if that will invalidate the previous one, or impact any potential case you might be making.

    I am just thinking that while all this bullshit goes on, at least the timer will be ticking down on the new referral. If a case gets built and you don’t need the new one, then great!!! and if not… then, youre already a little bit closer.


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