I woke up from a horrible nightmare involving rejection. As Thursday’s decision day draws closer, I feel like I’m closer to giving up completely. I’m literally torturing myself to death with my own thoughts and I have no idea how to stop it. This is usually what happens when I’m isolated for a prolonged period of time. I don’t care about being alone or lonely. I don’t even want to be around people anymore. The alone time has helped me, in terms of clarity of thinking.
In an effort to try to decompress these thoughts a little, I’m going to attempt to put some of them into words, as condensed as I can in order to help anyone reading this understand. Before you read any further, please note that I do not want you to comment on my transition in any shape or form, along the lines of “It will get better” or “I feel the same way”. Such comments merely reinforce the sense of defeat that I feel when others feel that they have to say something to save me, somehow. Perhaps such thoughts are no longer reality anymore, but the truth is that outside of the internet, I have no reason to not continue to believe that they mustn’t be true. I have always felt inferior to others, including members of my own family and to other transgender people. Not being able to switch such thoughts off makes life a living hell. If I choose to end my life, it is important that people understand and do not blame themselves.
The first feelings of inferiority came during the time my two younger half brothers were born. The first time wasn’t so bad and I was very attached to my little brother. But after the second one was born, I started to feel extremely left out and like the “ugly sister” (yes, even then I secretly thought of myself as a girl). Neither of them were ugly like I am (other kids even told me that), both had a dad that worked for a living and was always around. They became close and I felt like I wasn’t even part of the family. While I failed, they succeeded and went on to university. Both are married, normal and stable. One has an extremely successful career and travels all over Europe. I feel extremely guilty for feeling this intense jealousy and inferiority, but I can’t seem to stop it, no matter how much I’ve tried over the years. It was easier when I was living in America, because at least I wasn’t “the loser down the street” anymore; I had actually done something with my life and I was geographically far away from the memories of our childhoods and the reminders of what a loser and a piece of shit that I am compared to them. I don’t speak to the youngest at all and I think the 2nd youngest has chosen to keep a distance from me, due to the fact that I am a drain on everyone. He’s never done anything bad to me though; on the contrary, he’s let me stay with him and was very supportive of my transition early on. That is why I feel a huge sense of guilt over these feelings I have. If either of my younger brothers are reading this and I am no longer here to explain, please understand that none of this is your fault in any way; this is all on me.
Probably the biggest source of jealousy and envy I feel is towards other transgender women, particularly younger ones or those who look completely “cis”. The sad part is that many of them won’t hesitate to rub it in your face somehow, or will brag about being “stealth”. Early in my transition, I saw the transgender community as a source of support and acceptance, but over time, it has become probably the biggest and most dangerous trigger to me. But unlike the envy and inferiority I feel in relation to my younger half brothers, this has some credibility to it due to the way I’ve been treated by many transgender women in particular over the past 3 years. I now try my hardest to avoid transgender people completely. The younger ones seem to trigger me because it’s a reminder of what I’ve lost and will never have. The older ones trigger me because many of them seem to have a sense of defeat and do not give a damn about what others think, while I could never bring myself to accept certain flaws, such as my voice. I have even gone to the extremes of cutting people out of my life who are not only transgender, but are just connected with the transgender community and post trans-related stuff on Facebook. It just sends me into this spiralling depression and causes hopelessness and despair. I hate myself for it, because I am essentially very transphobic. I guess bitterness is the result after years of feeling rejected and inferior, but that is no excuse and I feel very ashamed and guilty for even admitting this stuff.
I feel inferior to others, generally. When I go out anywhere, I am instantly reminded of how hideous I look compared to other people. I feel like dirt because I don’t work and most people would probably accuse me of being lazy they’d call me a scrounger. I’ve only ever had one relationship that was loving and prolonged, but that was entered into under false pretences (see ‘The Price Paid For Living A Lie‘ ) and that ended long ago. I’ll never be a parent at this stage, nor will I have a career or a love life. I missed the boat long ago, now I’m left marginalised, only able to take part in life from the point of view of a spectator, forced to sit and watch others pass me by and experience the things I’ve never had and will never have. I just deactivated my Facebook account, because even that had become a reminder of how much of a piece of shit that am compared to others. I don’t even watch television anymore, as even that can be a trigger. I don’t want to even look at the news during the 4 more days of decision making left.
Getting older is the other major issue. I don’t reveal my age because I have lost so many years that I would rather pretend to be younger, at least online. Getting older is difficult for everyone, but for transgender people (and to some extent, gay people too) represents lost years you’ll never get back. Losing my childhood, my teens and twenties was the hardest thing of all; especially my childhood. I wasn’t abused or mistreated, but I was raised as a boy. I think if I’d been a transgender kid now, I would have said something so much sooner and would have had at least a semi-normal adulthood to look forward to, living authentically and most likely completely stealth (actually, I wish I’d just been born cisgender). I think that’s one of the reasons why I get so upset that help is almost solely focussed on those under 25. It’s like transgender people over 25 are just forgotten, or left to get on with it, as if we don’t have to deal with homelessness, unemployment, poverty or being ostracised by friends and family. Perhaps you need money to transition, but without it, you’re basically screwed or told to “suck it up”.
I know this probably makes me seem like a bitter and resentful, piss-poor excuse for a human being. I’m not going to argue with you; guilty as charged. I am not putting this out there for pity or sympathy, but to try to put this into words that perhaps someone will understand. These are the thoughts that torture me almost every waking hour. I don’t even achieve peace from them during sleep, because many of my nightmares revolve around feelings of envy, inferiority and jealousy towards others. Some of it does have a rational cause, while the rest is probably no more than bitterness on my part. I realise I should just shut the fuck up and accept my place in life as a loser and an example to people of how not to go about life and living. I wish I could switch these thoughts off and stop comparing myself to others, but it seems to be impossible. I seem to be getting worse too, which is all the more reason to call it quits, before become a bitter, old ugly freak that literally no one can stand to be around.
I take full responsibility for my feelings; this is really no one else’s fault. I blame myself and my ugliness, so feel free to hate me.