Hiding most of how I feel from the outside world is becoming extremely difficult. My living situation is precarious at best and I fear that any visible slide will hurt my mum or will just add to the pressure on me to leave. I do manage to spend much of my time on one of her bedrooms, just hiding away and trying to either cry out my thoughts or drown them out with music. Unfortunately, neither letting it out or music come close to doing that.
I feel extremely low today. I didn’t sleep much last night and I woke up at 4am in a state of panic. I am carrying a ridiculous amount of guilt and I’m not sure if I can carry it any longer. To add to it, I feel awful because I lost a personal journal of a friend of mine, which had all his thoughts and poetry going back 5 years. It got lost during the move when I was living in Rochester NY and forced to leave an unstable environment. But it is gone and no amount of money can replace such a thing.
All I seem to do is ruin people’s lives; I am a walking curse. Behind me is a trail of damage I’ve done and lives shattered. When people say I’m a good person, I know they’re lying. I am no better than the people who’ve wronged me over the years. My appearance is to blame for the bullying I’ve received.
I need to end it. I would take and eternity of nothingness over this. Surgery is so far off and I’m sure they’ll shove barriers in my path. I have far too many physical and psychological flaws to fix that if just isn’t worth it. Am I afraid of suicide because I’m afraid of surviving, or am I just afraid of the few seconds of excruciating pain that I’ll feel? If only I could numb myself enough to just do it.
I just don’t think I’ll have any kind of life worthy of living. I either have to accept that and just try to engage in any forms of “escape” I can find, or I call it quits now and go out on my own terms. I have invisible illnesses that there is no help for and that people think I’m making excuses or over-exaggerating the severity.