Finding it difficult not to appear depressed out my my skull

Hiding most of how I feel from the outside world is becoming extremely difficult.  My living situation is precarious at best and I fear that any visible slide will hurt my mum or will just add to the pressure on me to leave.   I do manage to spend much of my time on one of her bedrooms, just hiding away and trying to either cry out my thoughts or drown them out with music.  Unfortunately, neither letting it out or music come close to doing that. 

I feel extremely low today.  I didn’t sleep much last night and I woke up at 4am in a state of panic.  I am carrying a ridiculous amount of guilt and I’m not sure if I can carry it any longer.   To add to it, I feel awful because I lost a personal journal of a friend of mine, which had all his thoughts and poetry going back 5 years.  It got lost during the move when I was living in Rochester NY and forced to leave an unstable environment.  But it is gone and no amount of money can replace such a thing. 

All I seem to do is ruin people’s lives; I am a walking curse.  Behind me is a trail of damage I’ve done and lives shattered.  When people say I’m a good person, I know they’re lying.  I am no better than the people who’ve wronged me over the years.  My appearance is to blame for the bullying I’ve received. 

I need to end it.  I would take and eternity of nothingness over this.  Surgery is so far off and I’m sure they’ll shove barriers in my path.  I have far too many physical and psychological flaws to fix that if just isn’t worth it.  Am I afraid of suicide because I’m afraid of surviving, or am I just afraid of the few seconds of excruciating pain that I’ll feel?   If only I could numb myself enough to just do it. 

I just don’t think I’ll have any kind of life worthy of living.  I either have to accept that and just try to engage in any forms of “escape” I can find, or I call it quits now and go out on my own terms.   I have invisible illnesses that there is no help for and that people think I’m making excuses or over-exaggerating the severity.  

Advertisements

Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

9 thoughts on “Finding it difficult not to appear depressed out my my skull”

    1. I think I’ve shared that on my Facebook page before. Talking doesn’t help. I think depression is very unique to each sufferer, as are the causes. I don’t think I’ll make it.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. From my experience, hiding your truth only makes things worse. Hiding your real feelings from people won’t make them hate you. I think you feel that because right now you hate you. Apologise to the friend. There’s nothing you can do about it now. It’s gone but maybe it’ll help him write new stuff that’s better. The thing about depression is that in the moment of low, all you see is negativity. All you feel is everything that’s wrong with the world. It sucks you and keeps you down. Sleeping really helps. Sunshine helps. Exercise helps. I read something the other day: don’t make promises when you are happy. Don’t make decisions when you are sad. And don’t make confessions when you are angry. ” ride it out for a bit longer. Give yourself some love. Pamper your soul. And the light will appear again

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wise words, thank you. I know my family won’t hate me but it will cause them to distance or see me as a loon. My mum has a tendency to downplay my problems while my dad tends to blow them out of proportion and say “oh she must be taking drugs again”. I have only one friend here in the UK outside of the Internet and I only see her every few months. So I really have no one left to lose

      Like

      1. My parents are the same. I can’t tell them things. They don’t handle it well. But with depression there needs to be someone to talk to. Being alone amplifies the pain. It’s allows your mind to wallow. To remember everything bad in life. It makes you sink deeper and deeper. Where I am I also have no friends. Just my bf. And we’re always fighting. It’s hard. But I have ppl I chat to on whatsapp or online. They remind me about the things I know. They point me to secret doors that could lead me out. Maybe there’s a support group or a therapist or just someone out there who can help you out the hole

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have internet friends and an Internet connection. I’m not big on meeting new people. My social anxiety barely allows it. The friends I have I met online. As for groups, I’ve tried but never had much luck. The last group I went to was mostly older adults going on about their ailments. I left there feeling even more depressed lol.

        I did have a partner up until a month ago but we broke up. I really have no one now

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s