Backward Steps (Transition)

My transition has been very much a “gradual” process, both the physical side and the changes in the way that I present myself.  For the first year and a half, I dressed more androgynous ortomboyish than anything else, although I did tend to dress feminine during warm weather, especially when I still lived in Florida.  I couldn’t  go very far until I left South Florida in January 2015, as it was difficult to be myself around people who knew me pre-transition. 

I didn’t start wearing dresses and skirts until last July (2015).  I was always terrified of the prospect, but in the end, it was a non-issue and to date, I have never been harassed.  Now I hardly ever wear jeans as I never found them comfortable anyway.

But now that I am temporarily living with my mum and her husband, I am finding it difficult to be my true self again.  I don’t feel comfortable wearing dresses or even anything too girly.  It isn’t their fault and I know they most likely wouldn’t care as my mum accepted me as her daughter 2 years ago, but it’s just difficult for me and I’ve found that I’ve gone back in transition a bit, reverting to Capri pants, shorts or tank tops or skirts are about as far as I’ll go.  I also don’t feel like I know the town well enough and I’m still as terrified of harassment or misgendering, even though it’s not happened in a very long time.

I should’ve just reverted to the way I usually dress while they were away and made the effort to go out, but my depression and anxiety got the better of me and I just needed solitude and a break from dealing with people in general.  It just sucks because the weather is gorgeous and I would love to feel confident enough again to wear one of the summer dresses I have, but I’m in unfamiliar territory and with people who knew me as (what they thought was) a male for so long.

I just hope I get a stable place to live soon, before I further crawl back into my shell, which will just make this harder in the long run.  I don’t have this problem around people who only ever knew me as Rebecca. 

And I hate feeling like such a huge burden.   


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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