Aside from the issue of an old debt, I did quote a lot today.
I’ve been assigned a new care manager, so it will take time to get used to him. I’m unsure who to go to for many of my current issues; I’m sort of just playing it by ear.
The last piece of my legal name change is complete;
I received new insurance cards in the mail, so now my health insurance has the right name and my healthcare provider was able to finally change the records in their system to match.
I walked to the library and actually hooked this time, on my own. I went to a smaller library than the one Downtown. The librarian was extremely friendly and it wasn’t busy at all, so I felt less awkward. I couldn’t have done that if my legal name hadn’t have been changed. I didn’t stay long, but I borrowed 3 books:
Until The End Of Time, Danielle Steel
The Bear And The Nightingale, Katherine Arden
The Orphan’s Tale, Pam Jenoff
I doubt I’ll finish them all in 3 weeks, but I can take them out again as long as.no one has a hold on them. They were all in the “new releases” section of the library, which is partly why I picked them. They also have computers at that library and my card can be used at other libraries in the county. I also walked further down Monroe Avenue than I’d ever done previously, hater blockers (shades) and hater sound blockers (earphones) were an absolute necessity though and I was worried my ex-phone would die before I got back.
One of the peers in care management asked me if I was going to the transgender group earlier today, but I told him I felt too ugly and too bad about myself to be in a room with beautiful trans women. He sounded a bit disappointed (as in out of concern for me withdrawing) and he was going to come back and talk to me. I waited for him, but I led after it became apparent that he must’ve got caught up in something else. I feel bad for canceling AGAIN, but I just don’t feel up to it. I’m not transphobic or envious of them – it’s just not going to help me and would have added to my dysphoria.
I bumped into Stephanie and Ally in care management earlier. It was a little awkward at first, but we chatted for a few minutes, until I got called in. All ill feelings I had towards them went away months ago, same goes for Holly. None of it matters anymore; it was just a difficult living situation that didn’t work out.
I came back to my apartment and nodded off around 6 after feeling depressed because of the CCJ debt that I owe and them using my deadname when they’ve been sent a court order to change it. It’s now become something else to deal with and fight. On top of that, I have to work on a rebuttal letter to send to the landlord who owns the building where the security guard harassed me. I’m not sure what to do with any of this, except cry and worry myself stupid.
Anyway, I’ve at least managed to establish 2 new “safe places” – the nearby public library and Java’s Cafe (a coffee shop I went to for the first time on Sunday). I did both on my own and without anything bad happening. Tomorrow is looking too busy as fa as appointments go and Wednesday is grocery shopping day.
Letting go of the idea of having friends or a partner is a difficult thing, but I think it’s for the best. I’m staring to see that I don’t actually need people anyway, hence there’s even less need for me to attend groups or partake in group activities than ever before. On the one hand, I care and I will admit that it hurts. But on the other hand, I know that socializing comes with too many risks and the odds of finding someone that will both understand me and enhance my life are rare to none. As for love, I have no sexual desire and no desire to be intimate with anyone, so what’s the point?
I hope the Seeoquel kicks in soon and I fall asleep before I start getting really depressed.