A productive, yet stressful Monday 

Aside from the issue of an old debt, I did quote a lot today.

I’ve been assigned a new care manager, so it will take time to get used to him.  I’m unsure who to go to for many of my current issues; I’m sort of just playing it by ear.

The last piece of my legal name change is complete;
 I received new insurance cards in the mail, so now my health insurance has the right name and my healthcare provider was able to finally change the records in their system to match.

I walked to the library and actually hooked this time, on my own.  I went to a smaller library than the one Downtown.  The librarian was extremely friendly and it wasn’t busy at all, so I felt less awkward.  I couldn’t have done that if my legal name hadn’t have  been changed.  I didn’t stay long, but I borrowed 3 books:

Until The End Of Time, Danielle Steel

The Bear And The Nightingal
e, Katherine Arden

The Orphan’s Tale
, Pam Jenoff

I doubt I’ll finish them all in 3 weeks, but I can take them out again as long as.no one has a hold on them.  They were all in the “new releases” section of the library, which is partly why I picked them.  They also have computers at that library and my card can be used at other libraries in the county.  I also walked further down Monroe Avenue than I’d ever done previously, hater blockers (shades) and hater sound blockers (earphones) were an absolute necessity though and I was worried my ex-phone would die before I got back.   

I do worry that as Rochester feels like a small town compared to the big cities I’ve lived in, I stand out more and I’m liable to get noticed for the wrong reasons.  

One of the peers in care management asked me if I was going to the transgender group earlier today, but I told him I felt too ugly and too bad about myself to be in a room with beautiful trans women.  He sounded a bit disappointed (as in out of concern for me withdrawing) and he was going to come back and talk to me.  I waited for him, but I led after it became apparent that he must’ve got caught up in something else.  I feel bad for canceling AGAIN, but I just don’t feel up to it. I’m not transphobic or envious of them – it’s just not going to help me and would have added to my dysphoria.  

I bumped into Stephanie and Ally in care management earlier.  It was a little awkward at first, but we chatted for a few minutes, until I got called in.  All ill feelings I had towards them went away months ago, same goes for Holly.  None of it matters anymore; it was just a difficult living situation that didn’t work out.

I came back to my apartment and nodded off around 6 after feeling depressed because of the CCJ debt that I owe and them using my deadname when they’ve been sent a court order to change it.  It’s now become something else to deal with and fight. On top of that,  I have to work on a rebuttal letter to send to the landlord who owns the building where the security guard harassed me.  I’m not sure what to do with any of this, except cry and worry myself stupid.

Anyway, I’ve at least managed to establish 2 new “safe places” – the nearby public library and Java’s Cafe (a coffee shop I went to for the first time on Sunday).  I did both on my own and without anything bad happening.  Tomorrow is looking too busy as fa as appointments go and Wednesday is grocery shopping day.

Letting go of the idea of having friends or a partner is a difficult thing, but I think it’s for the best.  I’m staring to see that I don’t actually need people anyway, hence there’s even less need for me to attend groups or partake in group activities than ever before.  On the one hand, I care and I will admit that it hurts.  But on the other hand, I know that socializing comes with too many risks and the odds of finding someone that will both understand me and enhance my life are rare to none.  As for love, I have no sexual desire and no desire to be intimate with anyone, so what’s the point?

I hope the Seeoquel kicks in soon and I fall asleep before I start getting really depressed.   

Old debt woes 

I don’t know if I’ve ever explained what happened properly, but had a job at one point and I was living with my ex-wife as roommates in South Florida. It was an extremely volatile situation and I was mentally falling apart, dealing with stresses at work, early transition, untreated mental illness and the fights at home between my ex and I.  I was financially ruined when I left to go back to England, on early January 3015, including one CCJ against me from a credit card company. I paid off as much of it as I could, before having to leave.  Had I stayed, I’d have probably lost my job anyway and I’d have wound up destitute.

Because of the legal name change, my attorney had to write to that particular creditor to inform them. As a result, the court down in Florida have scheduled a telephone hearing in which i don’t need to partake in as the attorney representing me will be acting on my behalf.  They attempted to garnish my wages at my last job, but I’d already left. I have absolutely nothing to give them as of now and I’ve no idea what to do, except stress out and worry over it. They voluntarily dismissed the last garnishment order as I no longer wok for that particular employer and I don’t even have a bank account in my name. They are still referring to me by my deadname, despite being sent a copy of the court order and despite being asked several times to change it. That is adding a whole ton of a trauma to the situation.

If it’s not one potential catastrophe, it’s another. I’m sorry that I ever got in debt in the first place, but I had a *lot* of help getting to that point and nothing to show for it in terms of anything that was bought, because my ex-wife has whatever possessions were left, including the cat that o mostly paid for and paid to get fixed when it went wrong.

I don’t know what to do about this and it’s giving me a headache. It’s mot something I can cope with right now.

Established a new “safe place”

I’m not going to get my hopes up yet, but I think I’ve established another safe place and small area that I can walk back and forth without too much fear or intimidation.

I’m at Java’s Cafe. It’s not quite as “hip” as Boulder, but it’s more spacious and no one has bothered me or so much as looked at me (yet). I’m trying to make my skimmed milk cappuccino last as long as possible, before I have to start heating back.

The main thing is that I hade it here. I have left a bit of my comfort zone, albeit not too far from home. Of course, the next challenge I could set for myself is to join the more local and smaller library as if might not be as intimidating as the main library downtown.

Anyway, I took a few pictures of the nearby area and inside the cafe, before my non-phone died:

Before I attempt to go out and leave my comfort zone (long)…..

I can’t disclose what I did last night, but damn it was good. It’s not something I plan on doing regularly, but it helped me through what is usually a difficult time (weekends).

Even though I am feeling a bit weird today (Sunday), I have decided to try o push myself outside my comfort zone in my seeming “not getting anywhere” quest to find another safe place in Rochester.  I am heading to Java’s Cafe, which is about a 20 minute walk from here.  I am going to take the slightly longer? But more familiar route than Google Maps is suggesting. I figured I’d go before noon, as most WEPs (weekend and evening people) will be either at church or still home preparing Sunday dinner If it goes well, I’ll have reduced my fear of going out at weekends and evenings further and I’ll have established a new “safe place” in Rochester within walking distance.  If I can’t do it, it’s not the end of the world. One of the staff here has offered to go with me next week (one of the few that I can talk to).

Now that I’ve got SSD, I am relieved, but also confused.  At first, they said that I needed a representative payed to handle my money (on the assumption that I can’t).  But then they’ve sent the debit card straight to me, so I have.no idea what to do. The only things I’m going go have to pay are my rent, internet and eventually a phone and health insurance Nobody involved in my care seems to know either.

I keep reiterating my needs to those that care for me, but I often find it frustrating as I don’t know what help to ask for or who to ask.  I still need help with phone calls and wifi dealing with institutions such as Social Security, the library, banks and schools. I need some guidance as far as getting a GED is concerned and planning for school next semester . I need help getting my anxiety and PTSD symptoms more under control.  I need more clothes and shoes, not for vanity but to build self-confidence.  I need that surgery on my larynx to rid myself of this awful voice, which will make life so much less stressful and will make misgendering far less likely.

My eventual goal is to work full time, in the field of corporate finance and accounting, which is what I’m familiar with . Changing careers at this stage would be having to leave yet another comfort zone (and I’ve already left too many).

Making friends and finding love – while I don’t rule it out, those things are not priorities right now and would most likely lead to more problems and disappointments anyway. In this state of being, I’m not going to attract the right people anyway.  If I attract anyone, it’ll be people as (or more) broken than I am, people who want to just use me, potential ‘savior’ types or even those who prey on my weakness, poor self-esteem and vulnerability to abuse me, maybe even physically.

I’m relatively fine with my own company, as long as I continue to keep myself occupied and keep my thoughts at bay.  If I can become more confident traveling alone here, I’ll have far more freedom to go out whenever I please.  With the little extra money I’ll be getting, I might be able to get back to some of my old hobbies, such as photography. I can continue to veg list in fictional books and when I buy a console, video games too.  I could even ask my therapist to write me a letter to get a therapy pet, so that I can have a kitty in my apartment. And that’s all when I’m not focussed on school and preparing myself for work eventually.

I know there’s a long way to go, but it’s better to focus on such things, rather than worry about.  Along friends, finding love or just fitting in.  The months of excruciating social isolation and loneliness at the motel have actually changed and strengthened me.  My social skills have been further damaged, but for the first time in my life, I’m becoming comfortable alone.  The goals I have don’t involve other people, beyond those who are here to care for me and help me. Unfortunately, getting the specific ‘outside world’ help that I need is going to be difficult when I’m o a place geared towards people whose struggles are inside the home (such as keeping their apartments clean, managing a healthy diet, managing money and personal hygiene).   The benefit to me being here is that there are staff on call 24/7 if I REALLY need to talk to someone, although there are only 2-3 staff I feel comfortable talking to.  The other advantage is that if I really and truly.can’t get out, one of them will usually take me grocery shopping or shopping for clothes (though I don’t have money for that right now.  It’s also more affordable than if I were to just rent my own apartment, although down the line, I may pursue the roommate option.

The more that I can get out here in Rochester, the better.  This does involve buying more clothes and running shoes, especially if I’m planning to walk every day and walk far.  My deformed right foot tends to destroy shoes very quickly. I’m seeing a podiatrist in August anyway, to finally get my feet fixed and hopefully made more beautiful. Removal of the bunion will probably mean I can drop down a women’s shoe size too.

Sorry for the rambling. I’m going to start getting ready and dressed for my mission to find a new safe place in Rochester.  I truly hope that people just leave me alone today. A bad experience would cause a major setback right now.  Of course, I’ll keep my shades (hater blockers) and earphones (hater sound blockers) on and tune out my surroundings as much as possible. I’m hoping that when I leave, most WEPs will either still be in bed or at church anyway.  I’m mainly worried about haimf to ask for what coffee I want, in a place I’ve never been before.   I’m also worried that someone random might try to engage me or worse, someone will yell abuse from a passing car.   

Lastly, morning came of Michelle, the girl that approached me at a Wegmans supermarket last year and called the freckles on my back and shoulders “beautiful”.  We matched and connected on Tinder, but she stopped replying. Then I realized Tinder is basically fucked as I’d not been getting matches or messages for over a week and now it won’t work with my Facebook. I ended up deleting the app and I found her on Facebook and left her a short message to explain what happened and that I’d still like to meet her. I’m not sure if she’ll ever get that message either, as Facebook throws messages from people who aren’t on your friends list into the “filtered” or “message requests” mailboxes. I hardly ever check mine, as it’s usually messages from creepy / desperate men in far flung countries. I have a feeling this will remain as a “missed connection”, but she seemed genially interested in meeting. I’ve done all I can though and will leave it at that.  I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.   

Thinking with clarity 

While I still have negative thoughts, I’ve been thinking with more clarity than I have for a very long time. I’m not sure why this is and km certainly not complaining.  Perhaps it’s because my mind is no longer as consumed by my desire to fit in, make friends and find love.  Perhaps my hormone levels have returned to where they should be after the crazy stuff that happened after the orchiectomy.  I feel more at peace with myself and with the concept of being alone.   It’s actually not so bad, as long a I can continue to find distractions and can focus on bettering myself from an education and skills standpoint, to make the eve that goal of returning to work easier, as I’ll be more employable. I am trying to focus on building some semblance of a life without people in it.

I’m not transphobic, just different in my needs and my way of coping 

One thing that has helped me rid myself of my own transphobia is an acceptance that many transgender people are as mentally ill as I am, perhaps in different ways.  They might mask their insecurities differently or want to be involved in their communities.  One new friend I have described herself as a “beacon of light”, which I think is admirable.  But I’m the kind of person who wants to stay in the shadows.   I don’t care to educate people or acknowledge people who stare at me by smiling at them.   I’ll educate those who show a genuine interest on the subject, not those who are determined to be ignorant or those who just want to ask intrusive questions.  

I’ve pushed potential transgender friends away because I over-analyzed certain things they said or took things the wrong way.  A couple of them were assholes, but that had nothing to do with them being transgender.   There have been 2 over the past couple of months that I wish I hadn’t pushed away, but I hadn’t quite managed to control my triggers sufficiently to just process what they were saying and not take it all the wrong way.    

While I can’t stand the narcissism that many transwomen in particular have, I get it.    I get why most choose to discuss their transitions, because they want to do it with people who are the same as them and will understand.

Still, seeking out the community is not something I am willing to do.  Groups don’t work for me anyway and I really don’t need that kind of support.   But I’m not opposed to finding a trans friend or trans partner, if the opportunity presents itself.  But I do have a hard time hearing about what’s going on in the mews or listening op someone else’s dysphoria, as it can potentially trigger my own dysphoria.

I’m not transphobic though and I don’t hate transgender people.  I’ve met some pretty cool ones lately, even if they’re not friends.